OPINION: I was just about to cram another slice of marmalade toast in my mouth when I realised it… I’d let myself go.
Well, I say “let myself go”, I think “packed my bags, threw them out the door and slammed the door behind me” would be more accurate.
When did two minute ramen followed by a family sized block of chocolate (minus the family), scarfed down while watching hours of Reno TV, become my go-to dinner choice? When did all my pants turn in to leggings? Why is there a thin layer of dust covering all my exercise gear?
— Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth) January 23, 2019
It wasn’t the toast itself that was the wake up call. It was what I was reading as I ate, Chris “The Buffest Avenger” Hemsworth has a glossy new health and fitness app called Centr.
* Chris Hemsworth launching his own health and fitness app
* How to work out like Chris Hemsworth
* Thor: Ragnarok’s Chris Hemsworth on why he nearly turned down playing Thor
* Chris Hemsworth: ‘Getting in shape has nothing to do with money’
* Chris Hemsworth named world’s sexiest man by People magazine
The man is stacked as, I thought, as melted butter and sugary lime dripped down my chin. Preternaturally stacked, some would say. The “some” being anyone with eyes in their heads and blood in their veins.
Should I take a look at this app? I figured if Hemsworth has some advice about getting fit and living a more healthy, happy life, it’d be safe to try it out.
Would pictures of Hemsworth’s glistening abs and beach-ball sized shoulders be a greater lure than my couch, a family sized bag of Twisties and a Location Location Location omnibus? Time to Hemvestigate.
Start of the week, Orientation:
Chris “I bet I can make you forget I’m Australian” Hemsworth never wakes up with his tongue stuck to the top of his mouth wondering how he can be hung over when he hasn’t had a drink for 15 years, and yet here I am: Day one of the Hemsliad.
I flip open Centr (why is there no “e”? Where did it go? Did a hungry app user eat it?) and am confronted by the healthy, glowing visage of His Hemsliness looking moodily at a punching bag. That bag is in for a world of hurt.
— Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth) February 14, 2019
Over the next couple of days I discover there is a lot of engaging, seemingly good quality content on the app, and I’m not just talking about sunlit shots of Hemsworth working out.
Guided meditations, yoga videos, tasty looking recipes and a whole section devoted to snacks. I approve. Also, lots of hardcore workout routines. Meh.
The app’s daily planner takes the guess work out of fixing your entire life, offering a training session, a mental health session, a blog about a wellbeing topic, and three options for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Thinking is optional in Centr-land.
Midweek, living it:
I am living for the relaxation and meditation pods and videos, also I’ve done $150 worth of yoga classes since I fired this bad boy up. I’m actually saving money. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.
In a effort to be at least a little active I hit the beach. Hemsworth lives at the beach – Summer Bay… I mean Byron Bay, Australia – so it seems like the thing to do.
I flop around off Petone foreshore until I have a vision of someone snapping a picture of me that ends up on the Stuff homepage.
— Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth) January 22, 2019
It occurs to me I might need a few more of the guided meditations to achieve Peak Hemsworthiness.
The app is subtitled, For Those In The Making, and it’s making me self concious.
Hot tip from the EAT section: Baked salmon in foil parcels with garlic butter and green beans are a game changer.
End of the week, end in sight, wanna keep going:
There are a raft of body weight exercise videos in the app that don’t require equipment or a gym. Great, right? Wrong. Check out the one called The Gorilla.
It involves squatting down with your feet wide apart, top half bent out over your feet, hands on your knees. Then you leap sideways, twist your knee and leap back the way you came in a dynamic move that stretches and strengthens your joints and muscles using your own body weight as resistance.
Unless you’re me, in which case you twist your knee and have just two or three seconds to think “ooh, that doesn’t feel right” before you land on your face, where you lie for a couple of minute reassessing your life choices.
— Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth) January 20, 2019
As one clip on the app says – take things at your own pace and listen to your body…
Alternative: take dog for walk, sit in the shade watching The Hemsinator doing bicep curls on phone, scratch sleeping dog with toes. (What? It’s movement.)
During my week living as Marvel’s chosen God of Thunder, I ate some good food, and walked up Wainuiomata Hill – a feat I didn’t think I’d ever manage again having felt so crummy for so long.
Truth is, I was inspired by waking up every day to that much wellness (you can’t tell how healthy someone is by looking at them, but if you could, wouldn’t they look like Chris Hemsworth?). That’s what you’re paying for to the tune of about NZ$20 a month, aspirational health and wellbeing.
Celebrity fitness apps are an extension of that whole Instagram fantasy life we’re encouraged to aspire to these days, one that has a blog, clip, exercise, superfood or app to cure you of anything that isn’t pure bliss and positivity. That’s obviously a nonsense.
— Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth) January 20, 2019
But if you must have a celeb fitness app, if you can keep the trend’s origins in mind, not let all that glossy health make you feel bad and you can afford it – you could do worse than Chris Hemsworth’s Centr.
And if not, see you at the beach.