AirPods may be an environmental disaster, but that’s not stopping a whole lot of horny people from slipping them into their ears while having sex.
In a study conducted by TickPick, an online ticket marketplace, one in five AirPod owners claims to have had sex while wearing the wireless headphones. Yes, a full 20 percent of AirPod owners say they’ve pulled a Leonardo DiCaprio and dove into the juicy bits of their sexual partner while blasting anything from Dierks Bentley to Kottonmouth Kings on tiny, indestructible, in-ear Bluetooth speakers. (Hopefully they don’t also (allegedly!) just lay there and vape while making their partner do all the work, as the serial model-dater (allegedly!) does.)
The study was conducted to explore how music influences preferences and expectations in the bedroom, KFC bathroom, festival Porta Potty, or wherever it is one prefers to engage in sexual relations. More than 1,000 people were surveyed online, all of whom said they were sexually active and also “enjoy listening to music.” Those who weren’t sexually active or didn’t have an opinion on music were rejected. (How they actually verified this information is unknown.)
According to the study, 57 percent of sexually active people are satisfied with their sex life, but the likelihood of sexual enjoyment varies depending on preferred genre of music. At the top of that list are country fans, with 66.3 percent reporting satisfaction with their sex life. Blues fans—who also, apparently, tend to last longer in bed—were just below them at 64.3 percent. Heavy metal and pop fans were at the bottom of the list, with 57.9 and 57.2 percent reporting contentment with their sex lives.
There are more interesting results. For example, fans of hip-hop/rap reportedly prefer doing it doggy-style (shout out to Snoop Dogg) and are less likely to perform oral sex, so unfortunately, DJ Khaled refusing to eat out his wife checks out. Nearly one in four folk fans say they’ve cried during sex, and 48.3 percent are into BDSM, so basically the likelihood of having someone sob over you mid-thrust while you’re tied up in shibari knots is higher if Fleet Foxes is playing. Heavy metal fans like to enter sandman in cowgirl and reverse cowgirl positions, and reggae, folk, and EDM fans are more likely to be tops while country, showtune, and pop fans tend to be bottoms. (Thirty-two percent of EDM fans surveyed are also into anal, and you can’t spell Skrillex without s, e, and x.) Country fans are less likely to use contraceptives, but nearly 47 percent of them are into role play. Yee, and it cannot be stressed enough, haw.
Back to AirPods. There are many pros and cons to having sex while wearing them. Pros: 1) Why not, could be cool? 2) Each person involved in the sex-making that is occurring can listen to whatever they want, like those silent discos where everyone dances in a warehouse while wearing headphones… only it’s just two of you, and you’re fucking. Cons: 1) You’ll kind of look like an asshole. 2) An AirPod will probably fall out at some point, so then you both have to stop mid-sex to fumble around and find it before it ends up in a butt (though, that could be a pro for some).
Based on this information, we’ve whipped up some erotic AirPod fiction. Imagine your partner giving you that look as the sex is about to start. You know the look—part smoldering stare, part breathy anticipation, part searching for where to start, as though they’re at a casino buffet, unsure whether to go with a salad or head straight for the roast beef. Roast beef, it is. Here we go! It’s time for sex! But they stop. “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable,” they whisper into your ear. Then they pop in some AirPods, and grab their iPhone. You lay there silently, waiting. Wow, this is taking a while. Your fully naked body starts to get kind of cold. The horniness slowly begins to evaporate from your loins as you stare at their chin lit up by their iPhone screen. The green from their Spotify app illuminates a blackhead. They can’t decide what vibe they’re feeling. The new Tyler? Nah, not feeling that. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Maybe a sexy throwback. Ooh The Virgin Suicides soundtrack! Oh, but wait, that movie was sad. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Hold on, they found it. They put their phone back on their nightstand, which is actually a set of plastic storage drawers. It is time. Time for sex… to music. They rhythmically gyrate atop you, grooving to their incredible, specially curated song choice, which you cannot hear. They eventually realize that you’re not fully into it since all you can hear is people on the street fighting about the NBA Finals. In a gesture of sexual welcoming, they slip one AirPod in your ear, bringing you into the mood they have created, a world of sensual exploration. It’s Mazzy Star’s “Fade Into You,” and it is now even more ruined than it already was. And oop! The music stops, the phone is ringing, and yup, you’re doi