RECAP: I’m about to watch episode one of Celebrity Treasure Island and I’m excited.
I’m ready to see some Olympic athletes and other notable public figures get dehydrated on national television.
Fingers crossed it’s dramatic and weird.
The episode opens with host Matt Chisholm wearing a chunky brown leather man-bracelet. Then we meet the main host, Bree Tomasel, she is amazing.
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Bree explains there’s $100,000 hidden on the island, which we all know just logistically isn’t true.
Then we cut to an intense montage of footage with fast drumming in the background, there’s going to be a lot of drama for sure.
There’s a sneak preview of what’s to come, and we see one of the most meme-able clips to be seen on TV in ages.
With no context Jodie looks at the camera and says, “I really don’t want to go home tonight, so I’m gunna do a fake vomit.”
Cut to a clip of her violently fake vomiting in front of everyone, for no reason.
Who is this woman? I love her. I’m suddenly so excited about this show.
It all starts to kick off as Olympians and team leaders Eric Murray and Barbara Kendall arrive.
So they’re off on a mission to track down their teammates. It involves a lot of instructions about maps and keys.
They run off through the bush, swiftly finding the guy who used to be on Sticky TV (Sam Wallace) and an Opera singer (Moses Mackay), whom are both creepily buried in coffins.
There’s heaps more running and yelling as more celebrities keep appearing in weird and creepy places. TVNZ Breakfast host Matty McLean is surprisingly fast at sprinting.
There’s a scene where actress Jodie Rimmer tells Eric Murray that there’s a key and a clue behind him, and he literally ignores her to her face. He doesn’t even acknowledge that she is speaking, as if she is a ghost. It’s so rude.
He runs back five minutes later because it turns out she’s completely right. I have officially zero time for Eric now.
Eric’s team think that they’re about to win the people hunting challenge but it turns out he’s completely forgotten about Karl Burnett, who is still tied to a pole in the bush. This is what happens when you don’t listen to people, Eric.
Barb’s team win and get the best campsite as a result.
We start to see little bits of interview with Eric’s team. Some of the stuff being said by a few of the lads is a bit awkward. Not the brightest bulbs, it seems.
It’s now come the time for The Big Team Challenge.
Each team starts rolling boxes around the sand but what’s most important to note is that the host Bree, is absolutely hilarious in every single way.
Turning to the camera saying epically funny lines like, “look at that! He’s shot up there like a rat up a drain pipe”. I love it.
The yellow team won this round so they get to steal some stuff from the other team’s camp. Loo roll mainly.
Suddenly, they’re all at some sort of night time event where they get to have a few drinks.
There is actual footage of ex-Bachelor contestant Lily McManus fist bumping about it. They all laugh and have a good time but I guess you had to be there.
Bree rocks up, makes a strip poker joke, and tells everyone about a card game they’re all about to play to determine who becomes the team captain.
Everyone in the yellow team gets knocked out on the first card apart from Sam and Lily.
Based on a couple of geezer comments Sam has made throughout. I’m gassed for Lily.
However, if Sam becomes captain I’m assuming it will be a disaster, and I would like to see that. Sam wins it.
Barb takes out the captain title of the blue team which is weird because I thought she already was, but oh well.
The final part of the show is a heavily drawn out “Captain’s Game” that also appears to be ripped off from a late night TV talk show which I won’t name.
Sam and Barb sit against each other for what feels like 20 minutes and try to figure out who has a pineapple in their box.
In the end Barb had the pineapple in her box. It was high drama.
Hopefully there will be plenty more where that came from for the rest of the week.
Team Kahu: Sam Wallace, Ladi6, Shannon Ryan, Eric Murray, Jodie Rimmer, Zac Guildford, Karl Burnett and Lily McManus
Team Mako: Moses Mackay, Shane Cameron, Lana Van Hout, Athena Angelou, Matty McLean, Barbara Kendall, Rosanna Arkle and Gary Freeman.
Celebrity Treasure Island, TVNZ 2, Sunday – Tuesday from August 18